Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
