I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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