Plan B is the new Plan A
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
