Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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