i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
