you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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