the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
