He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
