She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
