You're completely useless in the revolution.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Randomize
