Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
