Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Randomize
