the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
The adults are the big ones right?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
