It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
