Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm getting married
To pizza
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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