My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
