I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
As shirtless as possible
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
