thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
