I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
