Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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