Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
