My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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