and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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