considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
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So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
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The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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