I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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