It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
