My sheets look like a crime scene.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
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Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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