you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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