I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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