Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
