I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
