you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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