I met the friendliest cop last night
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
