At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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