I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
