Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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