Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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