I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
