Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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