look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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