I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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