Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
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