the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My breasts were aching with rage.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
