if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
