I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
