Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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