True but thats because hes a fetus.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
