Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
