i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
