my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
