I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
