Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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