I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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