Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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