I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
