Will you blow on my dice?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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