My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
