I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
